The Importance of Being Corny

"James Bond is supposed to be corny, damn it!"

Not so long ago, I found myself saying this in the middle of what had otherwise been a polite conversation about the merits of the various James Bonds. My friend insisted that James Bond was at his best in the books, because that was Bond at his most intellectual, while I felt that the James Bond movies were the best, because they were just so damn fun.

That is why, no matter how much I love Sean Connery and some of his best movies, like Goldfinger and From Russia with Love, Roger Moore will always be my favorite James Bond. (I think a puppy might die every time I say that. I'm kind of hoping not.)

But no, really, Roger Moore is by far the best James Bond of all time. Let me explain why.

Okay, first of all, one of his movies is called Octopussy. Oh, sure, you could say Ian Fleming is to be credited for that, since he went and created the title in his book, or whatever. But think about it: what other actor could you see playing in this film without making it sound ridiculous? Could Daniel Craig be in a movie called Octopussy, without looking confused and completely out of place? Didn't think so. His Bond seems to have trouble getting human pussy. And we all know how difficult it is to get Octopussy. But trust me, when it happens, it's so worth it... (I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure how a civilized conversation about James Bond turned into one massive pussy joke. Do you see what James Bond does to me?)

Second, Live and Let Die features a title song from Paul friggin' McCartney. Not only that, it features some cool New Orleans jazz, three death scenes in the first five minutes, and speedboat chases. Was Pierce Brosnan cool enough to have both jazz music and Paul McCartney in the soundtrack for any of his films? Didn't think so.

Quite frankly, I think there was something about his movies that were so fun-loving, that made it work. I do really like Daniel Craig in the role, but he really takes it all too seriously. Sure, it's fun to see Craig killing a bunch of people, getting really angry, and blowing things up. But that's not really Bond to me. Bond is more of a cool, suave character. He doesn't really break a sweat all that much, even when he has a gun pointed to his head (or, because James Bond villains can never be simple, it's more likely that he has a gold-cutting laser pointed towards his crotch.) His most powerful negative emotion should be mild concern, like if a bomb is about to blow up and he's three seconds away from disarming it, but he's only got two seconds before it explodes.

Because here's the thing: it's just a movie. And I think the Bond franchise epitomizes that more than most other film series. You know he's going to survive in the end. He has to, because there are going to be more movies. You know he's going to sleep with at least one woman and probably more, because a girl would have to be insane not to accept the advances of James Bond. And you know he's going to face off against a quirky villain, with an even quirkier henchman, just because those quirks make the film so much fun to watch.

And I suppose Sean Connery has villains that are almost as cool, like Odd Job, and that Russian maid with the knife in her shoe whose name I've forgotten. But they just can't beat luminaries like Jaws, who was awesome enough to feature in more than one movie, or Scaramanga, played by the always-awesome Christopher Lee.

Not satisfied yet? Need more proof? Alright then, how about this: Roger Moore wasn't satisfied with the awesomeness of his movie basically being set in Harlem, with the jazz and Paul McCartney soundtracks. He felt like there had to be another awesome hook to drag the viewer in. So what does he do? Quite literally, he fights against a henchman named "Tee Hee," who has a frigging hook for a hand. And one of the ways he tries defeating Bond is by setting his pet crocodiles on him.

Am I the only one who sees this as the coolest idea for a James Bond movie EVER?

Okay, alright. You just think I'm some psychopathic blogger who doesn't know shit from shinola. You make a good point. But you know who else thought Roger Moore was a good James Bond? Christopher Walken, who so approved of Roger Moore that he was even the villain in one of his films!

That convinces you, right? Right? Ugh. That's probably a no. Well, then. Octopussy.

If Octopussy doesn't convince you, I don't know what will.